Midsummer Wisdom
For a change, I’m writing this post in my home office, a place I don’t often inhabit for very long at any one time. Filled with clutter I never seem to get to scattered about the floor and a desk that serves as a to-do list piled with subscription, bills and offers, it hardly seems welcoming. It does, however, look out on my back garden (picture below), so there’s that.
What’s in this week’s finds?
Here’s a great article a friend sent me this week on family estrangement, a subject she and I have discussed at some length given both our experiences with the families we grew up in. If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you’ll know I’m estranged from some of my own family and have been for some years. It’s a thoughtful article worth the read and a reminder that two people, in this case child and parent, can go through the same events while having completely different experiences as our experiences depend on many factors and are uniquely our own. I’ve been watching this conversational back and forth on family estrangement on why it’s become so seemingly a common phenomenon, from arguments that therapists are encouraging it (count me skeptical on this one as their job is to help you find your own answers) to a culture that doesn’t value family or makes it more acceptable. We are, of course, influenced heavily by the culture in which we find ourselves, so it seems hard to argue that’s not a component of it though not the whole of it, for certain. Article here:
Speaking of different experiences, I’m reminded of the short book by Tammy Lenski “The Conflict Pivot: Turning Conflict into Peace of Mind” that I read some time ago and should probably read again. Conflict is, of course, part and parcel of the lived experience. How (and whether) we handle it makes all the difference. Lenski talks about our “stuck stories” of events. That is, the story you tell yourself about most anything that happens isn’t thee story of the event, it’s your story of the event and it may bear little resemblance to the truth.
As this article from A Conscious Rethink notes, something helpful to do when a story of something that’s happened won’t stop swirling in your mind, an often-upsetting version, take out a sheet of paper, draw a line down it and sort the known facts from interpretation or story line. Sometimes a conversation with empathy for another’s experience, even a version you don’t agree with, can resolve a conflict. It allows you to lead with curiosity rather than defensiveness, blame, shutdown, etc. which puts you on the road to repairing the relationship.
The art of psychological distance: 12 ways to step back and see what's really happening in any situation
I was reminded of how differently two people can experience something in my own life this summer as well as in a rift I observed (and found myself participating in to a degree) between two other people in my life. Sometimes those differences in experiences can be worked on and moved past and other times the parties will opt to say they’re done, at least for the moment as the latter two have. It’s also what I’ve chosen and, at least for now, am sticking with in my own family rift.
We each get to say what we’ll tolerate in our lives, often called “protecting your peace”, and even that phrase has taken some shellacking lately, but so it be. Having listened to a number of therapists I follow online (for fun, lol), humans are wired to seek “emotional safety” in their relationships and most of our behavior and choices come from the subconscious mind, despite what we may think. It’s a concept worth exploring and bearing in mind. We’re not primarily governed by rational thinking.
Which brings me to . . . how about self-awareness? When I hear stories shared by a friend of what he experiences in the workplace, I’m reminded of how many people don’t have it, despite a shocking 95% of people reporting themselves to be self-aware. As noted in this article below, that’s first of all because they don’t understand what self-awareness is and that there are two components - one internal to recognizing our own state of mind and the other external to understanding the impact of our behavior on others.
If I had to rate myself, I’d say I try to be aware of both, though of course that’s imperfect. Going back to the stuck story, I’ve often had the experience of weaving a story around something that happened only to find out later that my story didn’t match the other person’s. It was my story, not thee story, though I will say that if people were more emotionally honest with us about what they’re experiencing, that would go a long way. While many of us reading this blog consider ourselves to be intuitive, the fact remains we’re not mind readers. If you think about it, if you knew what someone else in your life that you care about was experiencing something you were doing or saying in a negative way or they needed something different from you, wouldn’t you at least try to give it to them? I think it helps to be open-minded and everyone doesn’t hold the same capability for that or anything else, like self-reflection or curiosity.
If you’ve ever wondered why some people are so utterly lacking in self-awareness, these psychological insights will finally explain it (A Conscious Rethink)
Something interesting I’m thinking of trying is one of these ‘Candlelight Chats’ with Susan Cain. In some challenging circumstances I’m facing which I will write of another time, I’m feeling like maybe being intentional about seeking spaces for peace would be a good thing. I’m back to my first contemplative yoga class in several weeks today. I’ve missed it.
Happy Sunday.
Peace.